Chapter 20
A COMPETENCY was what I wanted; a competency it was now my aimand resolve to secure; but never had I been farther from themark. With August the school-year (l'annee scolaire) closed, theexaminations concluded, the prizes were adjudged, the schoolsdispersed, the gates of all colleges, the doors of allpensionnats shut, not to be reopened till the beginning or middleof October. The last day of August was at hand, and what was myposition? Had I advanced a step since the commencement of thepast quarter? On the contrary, I had receded one. By renouncingmy engagement as English master in Mdlle. Reuter's establishment,I had voluntarily cut off 20l. from my yearly income; I haddiminished my 60l. per annum to 40l., and even that sum I nowheld by a very precarious tenure.
It is some time since I made any reference to M. Pelet. Themoonlight walk is, I think, the last incident recorded in thisnarrative where that gentleman cuts any conspicuous figure: thefact is, since that event, a change had come over the spirit ofour intercourse. He, indeed, ignorant that the still hour, acloudless moon, and an open lattice, had revealed to me thesecret of his selfish love and false friendship, would havecontinued smooth and complaisant as ever; but I grew spiny as aporcupine, and inflexible as a blackthorn cudgel; I never had asmile for his raillery, never a moment for his society; hisinvitations to take coffee with him in his parlour wereinvariably rejected, and very stiffly and sternly rejected too;his jesting allusions to the directress (which he stillcontinued) were heard with a grim calm very different from thepetulant pleasure they were formerly wont to excite. For a longtime Pelet bore with my frigid demeanour very patiently; he evenincreased his attentions; but finding that even a cringingpoliteness failed to thaw or move me, he at last altered too; inhis turn he cooled; his invitations ceased; his countenancebecame suspicious and overcast, and I read in the perplexed yetbrooding aspect of his brow, a constant examination andcomparison of premises, and an anxious endeavour to draw thencesome explanatory inference. Ere long, I fancy, he succeeded, forhe was not without penetration; perhaps, too, Mdlle. Zoraidemight have aided him in the solution of the enigma; at any rate Isoon found that the uncertainty of doubt had vanished from hismanner; renouncing all pretence of friendship and cordiality, headopted a reserved, formal, but still scrupulously politedeportment. This was the point to which I had wished to bringhim, and I was now again comparatively at my ease. I did not, itis true, like my position in his house; but being freed from theannoyance of false professions and double-dealing I could endureit, especially as no heroic sentiment of hatred or jealousy ofthe director distracted my philosophical soul; he had not, Ifound, wounded me in a very tender point, the wound was so soonand so radically healed, leaving only a sense of contempt for thetreacherous fashion in which it had been inflicted, and a lastingmistrust of the hand which I had detected attempting to stab inthe dark.
This state of things continued till about the middle of July, andthen there was a little change; Pelet came home one night, anhour after his usual time, in a state of unequivocalintoxication, a thing anomalous with him; for if he had some ofthe worst faults of his countrymen, he had also one at least oftheir virtues, i.e. sobriety. So drunk, however, was he uponthis occasion, that after having roused the whole establishment(except the pupils, whose dormitory being over the classes in abuilding apart from the dwelling-house, was consequently out ofthe reach of disturbance) by violently ringing the hall-bell andordering lunch to be brought in immediately, for he imagined itwas noon, whereas the city bells had just tolled midnight; afterhaving furiously rated the servants for their want ofpunctuality, and gone near to chastise his poor old mother, whoadvised him to go to bed, he began raving dreadfully about "lemaudit Anglais, Creemsvort." I had not yet retired; some Germanbooks I had got hold of had kept me up late; I heard the uproarbelow, and could distinguish the director's voice exalted in amanner as appalling as it was unusual. Opening my door a little,I became aware of a demand on his part for "Creemsvort" to bebrought down to him that he might cut his throat on thehall-table and wash his honour, which he affirmed to be in adirty condition, in infernal British blood. "He is either mad ordrunk," thought I, "and in either case the old woman and theservants will be the better of a man's assistance," so Idescended straight to the hall. I found him staggering about,his eyes in a fine frenzy rolling--a pretty sight he was, a justmedium between the fool and the lunatic.
"Come, M. Pelet," said I, "you had better go to bed," and I tookhold of his arm. His excitement, of course, increased greatly atsight and touch of the individual for whose blood he had beenmaking application: he struggled and struck with fury--but adrunken man is no match for a sober one; and, even in his normalstate, Pelet's worn out frame could not have stood against mysound one. I got him up-stairs, and, in process of time, to bed.During the operation he did not fail to utter comminations which,though broken, had a sense in them; while stigmatizing me as thetreacherous spawn of a perfidious country, he, in the samebreath, anathematized Zoraide Reuter; he termed her "femme sotteet vicieuse," who, in a fit of lewd caprice, had thrown herselfaway on an unprincipled adventurer; directing the point of thelast appellation by a furious blow, obliquely aimed at me. Ileft him in the act of bounding elastically out of the bed intowhich I had tucked him; but, as I took the precaution of turningthe key in the door behind me, I retired to my own room, assuredof his safe custody till the morning, and free to drawundisturbed conclusions from the scene I had just witnessed.
Now, it was precisely about this time that the directress, stungby my coldness, bewitched by my scorn,and excited by thepreference she suspected me of cherishing for another, had falleninto a snare of her own laying--was herself caught in the meshesof the very passion with which she wished to entangle me.Conscious of the state of things in that quarter, I gathered,from the condition in which I saw my employer, that his lady-lovehad betrayed the alienation of her affections--inclinations,rather, I would say; affection is a word at once too warm and toopure for the subject--had let him see that the cavity of herhollow heart, emptied of his image, was now occupied by that ofhis usher. It was not without some surprise that I found myselfobliged to entertain this view of the case; Pelet, with his old-established school, was so convenient, so profitable a match--Zoraide was so calculating, so interested a woman--I wonderedmere personal preference could, in her mind, have prevailed for amoment over worldly advantage: yet, it was evident, from whatPelet said, that, not only had she repulsed him, but had even letslip expressions of partiality for me. One of his drunkenexclamations was, "And the jade doats on your youth, you rawblockhead! and talks of your noble deportment, as she calls youraccursed English formality--and your pure morals, forsooth! desmoeurs de Caton a-t-elle dit--sotte!" Hers, I thought, must be acurious soul, where in spite of a strong, natural tendency toestimate unduly advantages of wealth and station, the sardonicdisdain of a fortuneless subordinate had wrought a deeperimpression than could be imprinted by the most flatteringassiduities of a prosperous CHEF D'INSTITUTION. I smiledinwardly; and strange to say, though my AMOUR PROPRE was excitednot disagreeably by the conquest, my better feelings remaineduntouched. Next day, when I saw the directress, and when shemade an excuse to meet me in the corridor, and besought my noticeby a demeanour and look subdued to Helot humility, I could notlove, I could scarcely pity her. To answer briefly and dryly someinteresting inquiry about my health--to pass her by with a sternbow--was all I could; her presence and manner had then, and forsome time previously and consequently, a singular effect upon me:they sealed up all that was good elicited all that was noxious inmy nature; sometimes they enervated my senses, but they alwayshardened my heart. I was aware of the detriment done, andquarrelled with myself for the change. I had ever hated atyrant; and, behold, the possession of a slave, self-given, wentnear to transform me into what I abhorred! There was at once asort of low gratification in receiving this luscious incense froman attractive and still young worshipper; and an irritating senseof degradation in the very experience of the pleasure. When shestole about me with the soft step of a slave, I felt at oncebarbarous and sensual as a pasha. I endured her homagesometimes; sometimes I rebuked it. My indifference or harshnessserved equally to increase the evil I desired to check.
"Que le dedain lui sied bien!" I once overheard her say to hermother: "il est beau comme Apollon quand il sourit de son airhautain."
And the jolly old dame laughed, and said she thought her daughterwas bewitched, for I had no point of a handsome man about me,except being straight and without deformity. "Pour moi," shecontinued, "il me fait tout l'effet d'un chat-huant, avec sesbesicles."
Worthy old girl! I could have gone and kissed her had she notbeen a little too old, too fat, and too red-faced; her sensible,truthful words seemed so wholesome, contrasted with the morbidillusions of her daughter.
When Pelet awoke on the morning after his frenzy fit, he retainedno recollection of what had happened the previous night, and hismother fortunately had the discretion to refrain from informinghim that I had been a witness of his degradation. He did notagain have recourse to wine for curing his griefs, but even inhis sober mood he soon showed that the iron of jealousy hadentered into his soul. A thorough Frenchman, the nationalcharacteristic of ferocity had not been omitted by nature incompounding the ingredients of his character; it had appearedfirst in his access of drunken wrath, when some of hisdemonstrations of hatred to my person were of a truly fiendishcharacter, and now it was more covertly betrayed by momentarycontractions of the features, and flashes of fierceness in hislight blue eyes, when their glance chanced to encounter mine. Heabsolutely avoided speaking to me; I was now spared even thefalsehood of his politeness. In this state of our mutualrelations, my soul rebelled. sometimes almost ungovernably,against living in the house and discharging the service of such aman; but who is free from the constraint of circumstances? Atthat time, I was not: I used to rise each morning eager to shakeoff his yoke, and go out with my portmanteau under my arm, if abeggar, at least a freeman; and in the evening, when I came backfrom the pensionnat de demoiselles, a certain pleasant voice inmy ear; a certain face, so intelligent, yet so docile, soreflective, yet so soft, in my eyes; a certain cast of character,at once proud and pliant, sensitive and sagacious, serious andardent, in my head; a certain tone of feeling, fervid and modest,refined and practical, pure and powerful, delighting andtroubling my memory--visions of new ties I longed to contract, ofnew duties I longed to undertake, had taken the rover and therebel out of me, and had shown endurance of my hated lot in thelight of a Spartan virtue.
But Pelet's fury subsided; a fortnight sufficed for its rise,progress, and extinction: in that space of time the dismissal ofthe obnoxious teacher had been effected in the neighbouringhouse, and in the same interval I had declared my resolution tofollow and find out my pupil, and upon my application for heraddress being refused, I had summarily resigned my own post.This last act seemed at once to restore Mdlle. Reuter to hersenses; her sagacity, her judgment, so long misled by afascinating delusion, struck again into the right track themoment that delusion vanished. By the right track, I do not meanthe steep and difficult path of principle--in that path she nevertrod; but the plain highway of common sense, from which she hadof late widely diverged. When there she carefully sought, andhaving found, industriously pursued the trail of her old suitor,M. Pelet. She soon overtook him. What arts she employed tosoothe and blind him I know not, but she succeeded both inallaying his wrath, and hoodwinking his discernment, as was soonproved by the alteration in his mien and manner; she must havemanaged to convince him that I neither was, nor ever had been, arival of his, for the fortnight of fury against me terminated ina fit of exceeding graciousness and amenity, not unmixed with adash of exulting self-complacency, more ludicrous thanirritating. Pelet's bachelor's life had been passed in properFrench style with due disregard to moral restraint, and I thoughthis married life promised to be very French also. He oftenboasted to me what a terror he had been to certain husbands ofhis acquaintance; I perceived it would not now be difficult topay him back in his own coin.
The crisis drew on. No sooner had the holidays commenced thannote of preparation for some momentous event sounded all throughthe premises of Pelet: painters, polishers, and upholstererswere immediately set to work, and there was talk of "la chambrede Madame," "le salon de Madame." Not deeming it probable thatthe old duenna at present graced with that title in our house,had inspired her son with such enthusiasm of filial piety, as toinduce him to fit up apartments expressly for her use, Iconcluded, in common with the cook, the two housemaids, and thekitchen-scullion, that a new and more juvenile Madame wasdestined to be the tenant of these gay chambers.
Presently official announcement of the coming event was putforth. In another week's time M. Francois Pelet, directeur, andMdlle. Zoraide Reuter, directrice, were to be joined together inthe bands of matrimony. Monsieur, in person, heralded the factto me; terminating his communication by an obliging expression ofhis desire that I should continue, as heretofore, his ablestassistant and most trusted friend; and a proposition to raise mysalary by an additional two hundred francs per annum. I thankedhim, gave no conclusive answer at the time, and, when he had leftme, threw off my blouse, put on my coat, and set out on a longwalk outside the Porte de Flandre, in order, as I thought, tocool my blood, calm my nerves, and shake my disarranged ideasinto some order. In fact, I had just received what was virtuallymy dismissal. I could not conceal, I did not desire to concealfrom myself the conviction that, being now certain that Mdlle.Reuter was destined to become Madame Pelet it would not do for meto remain a dependent dweller in the house which was soon to behers. Her present demeanour towards me was deficient neither indignity nor propriety; but I knew her former feeling wasunchanged. Decorum now repressed, and Policy masked it, butOpportunity would be too strong for either of these--Temptationwould shiver their restraints.
I was no pope--I could not boast infallibility: in short, if Istayed, the probability was that, in three months' time, apractical modern French novel would be in full process ofconcoction under the roof of the unsuspecting Pelet. Now, modernFrench novels are not to my taste, either practically ortheoretically. Limited as had yet been my experience of life, Ihad once had the opportunity of contemplating, near at hand, anexample of the results produced by a course of interesting andromantic domestic treachery. No golden halo of fiction was aboutthis example, I saw it bare and real, and it was very loathsome.I saw a mind degraded by the practice of mean subterfuge, by thehabit of perfidious deception, and a body depraved by theinfectious influence of the vice-polluted soul. I had sufferedmuch from the forced and prolonged view of this spectacle; thosesufferings I did not now regret, for their simple recollectionacted as a most wholesome antidote to temptation. They hadinscribed on my reason the conviction that unlawful pleasure,trenching on another's rights, is delusive and envenomedpleasure--its hollowness disappoints at the time, its poisoncruelly tortures afterwards, its effects deprave for ever.
>From all this resulted the conclusion that I must leave Pelet's,and that instantly; "but," said Prudence, "you know not where togo, nor how to live;" and then the dream of true love came overme: Frances Henri seemed to stand at my side; her slender waistto invite my arm; her hand to court my hand; I felt it was madeto nestle in mine; I could not relinquish my right to it, norcould I withdraw my eyes for ever from hers, where I saw so muchhappiness, such a correspondence of heart with heart; over whoseexpression I had such influence; where I could kindle bliss,infuse awe, stir deep delight, rouse sparkling spirit, andsometimes waken pleasurable dread. My hopes to will and possess,my resolutions to merit and rise, rose in array against me; andhere I was about to plunge into the gulf of absolute destitution;"and all this," suggested an inward voice, "because you fear anevil which may never happen!" "It will happen; you KNOW itwill," answered that stubborn monitor, Conscience. "Do what youfeel is right; obey me, and even in the sloughs of want I willplant for you firm footing." And then, as I walked fast alongthe road, there rose upon me a strange, inly-felt idea of someGreat Being, unseen, but all present, who in His beneficencedesired only my welfare, and now watched the struggle of good sadevil in my heart, and waited to see whether I should obey Hisvoice, heard in the whispers of my conscience, or lend an ear tothe sophisms by which His enemy and mine--the Spirit of Evil--sought to lead me astray. Rough and steep was the pathindicated by divine suggestion; mossy and declining the green wayalong which Temptation strewed flowers; but whereas, methought,the Deity of Love, the Friend of all that exists, would smilewell-pleased were I to gird up my loins and address myself to therude ascent; so, on the other hand, each inclination to thevelvet declivity seemed to kindle a gleam of triumph on the browof the man-hating, God-defying demon. Sharp and short I turnedround; fast I retraced my steps; in half an hour I was again atM. Pelet's: I sought him in his study; brief parley, conciseexplanation sufficed; my manner proved that I was resolved; he,perhaps, at heart approved my decision. After twenty minutes'conversation, I re-entered my own room, self-deprived of themeans of living, self-sentenced to leave my present home, withthe short notice of a week in which to provide another.